What it was like…Continued

In fourth grade, my parents officially started the divorce proceedings and it was painfully obvious to me that all my classmates would know I was from a defective home and would be made fun of because my parents could work out their problems.  I came to realize much later in life that I somehow labeled my own self-worth by how I thought other people were judging me.  My parents fought for years because my of my fathers drinking.  They would often start an argument and dad would leave for a loaf of bread and might be gone for 30 minutes or 30 days. 

I saw at an early age what drinking can do to a family and I decided on that fall day in 1976 that I would never drink like Dad.  In school and everywhere else, I could never live up to anyone elses expectations and I quit trying.  My report cards went from “Attitude needs improvement” to “Request Parent Teacher Conference at your Earliest Convenience”, and finally “Requires more discipline than all other students”.

In the fifth grade, my grades were just good enough to get by without having to repeat any grades.  Attitude contined to drop sharply.  The number of people that would sit my me at lunch or walk with me in the halls dropped.  I could only find one friend in a school of over 3,000 that was willing to put up with me.  He was a kid that basically lived all alone.  His mother would bring him food once a week.  She was a barfly and was never home.  He cooked all his own meals, he washed all his clothes, did his homework, got himself to and from school… and he had no friends but me.  Poor guy.

I was a loser with girls, friends, grades and everything else I tried.  My parents were getting a divorce because my Dad was a real drunk who couldn’t handle his liquor.  I couldn’t compete on the playground in the classroom or in the halls with anyone and everyone knew I was a loser.

Then in the 7th grade, 15 years old, I discovered the Magical Effects produced by Alcohol.  Me and few classmates were at the skating rink and they lay out a challenge.  “I’ll bet you can’t drink a quart of beer faster than me”.  Of course I wanted more than anything to prove that I was as good as everyone else and without a second thought to anything else, I eagerly accepted that challenge.  Looking back, I realize I must have been an alcoholic even at that point. In the book Alcoholics Anonymous, it mentions:

“The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink. “

I still remember that experience like it was yesterday.  I tipped that bottle of beer up, my very first drink of alcohol, and I didn’t stop drinking until it was all gone.  Looking around, realizing I’d won, I was happy.  Then after a moment, I was upset because I didn’t get the praise I felt I should have for winning that contest.  Then a few moments after that I began to feel the magic.  That warm tingling glow that started in the pit of my stomach and slowly spread to the rest of my body.  With the warm glow brought feelings of adequacy and usefullness.  It no longer mattered if I had gotten that due respect.  It didn’t matter if my parents were divorced. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t near as smart or tough.  It just didn’t matter.  I had found something magical that I didn’t even know I was looking for.  I walked back into the skating rink and asked every girl in there to skate and much to my suprise, they all agreed.

I had found something that worked and I continued to rely on the magical effects of Alcohol from that day.  It helped when nothing else could.  It got me through all of Mom’s new boyfriends, it got me through all those bad days in school when I flunked tests and was discovered as a loser by my classmates.  I relied on it to help me get through tough decisions and I depended on it liven up the good times.